Product of the Week
This product of the week is FREE. I’ve been using Evernote.com for about a month now and it’s been a life-saver.
One of the habits I’m trying to establish is to make a note of things I want to remember or do, so I don’t have to stress about remembering everything later. As an ADD’er, i waste too much time and energy trying to remember things or searching for some recipe or blog post or website I saw somewhere. Evernote.com is one way to save information, and make it searchable.
So far I’ve mostly used Evernote to save webpages with information I want to keep: recipes, links, craft ideas, etc. So I can close that Firefox tab! I don’t have to search through my bookmarks, either. Evernote makes it so easy with the Firefox plug-in.
But you can also add notes, scanned images, photos… almost anything. The other day a friend of mine gave me tips on how to make some modifications on my ball joint doll, and since I won’t be doing it for some time I copied the notes into Evernote and it will be easy to find when I need it.
There are enhanced features available for pay, but the basic free version is great on its own.
A roundabout way to getting over the guilt
I love to quilt and make quilted bags.
Any ADD’er with a creative hobby knows how hard it is to fit it into our lives and to keep it from being destructive rather than productive. More than I love to actually sew, I love love love to find ideas I like and to shop for fabric. There is a quilt shop about an hour from where I live that has stacks and stacks of gorgeous fabric, from traditional country, to stylish retro to modern and funky. As much as I love to go there, it is usually overwhelming. There’s just too much to look at. So many possibilities for quilts, bags, pillows, you name it!
I often end up with lots of fabric that just doesn’t go together. Or one pattern that is really beautiful, but I just can’t figure out what to do with it. Or I actually make a quilt, and it just doesn’t go with anything in my apartment! As much as I would like to use some handmade pieces to get that nice decorated but homey look, my inability to make up my mind or finish what I start usually spells failure.
I’m finally trying to accept this reality and just enjoy sewing for its own sake. Who cares if the quilt I’m making won’t match what I’d thought I’d decided on for my bedroom? JUST ENJOY IT! Every piece made is an accomplishment. Each speaks to my taste in a very personal way. It’s practice, at the very least.
So whatever it is you enjoy doing, stop feeling guilty for a hundred and one reasons that only serve to keep you from actually accomplishing anything, and GO DO IT!
Money trouble
Saving money. Ugh, I don’t even like to think about it! I can save for a short-term goal, like going to an anime convention with a bunch of online friends on the other side of the country. But serious savings, the kind that would help me with future emergencies, buying a house, even retirement? ha!
I’m off to a better start this year, with some concrete goals and an effort to think about a 5 year plan. I at least am trying to act like I believe I can accomplish my goals, even if I have trouble believing it. That really is the key to surviving day to day: acting in ways contrary to my thinking. Like with time. I have no concept of time, which probably doesn’t surprise anyone with ADD/ADHD. I have a lot of learned coping techniques to act as if I understand it, but they aren’t perfect. For example, I have a GET UP NOW alarm clock across the room from my bed, so I can’t keep hitting snooze and trying to calculate what I can take out of my morning routine to still get to work on time. But I still fail at actually getting to work on time many days in the winter because it takes so long to scrape ice from my car. It’s just very difficult for me to adjust for an earlier out the door time without doing it every day.
Developing that kind of habit for other difficulties hasn’t been easy, either. Which gets me back to the issue of saving money. I’ve started some things to help me deal with the fact that money often doesn’t feel real to me, and for resisting the sudden spending impulses. These are a few things I’m trying:
I wrote out my income and expenses for every paycheck and calculated the most I could possibly save through the year. This number isn’t realistic because it doesn’t take everything into account, but it gives me an idea of what I’m taking away from when I don’t follow my monthly budget.
I write down my balance every work day and write down the expected expenses for that pay period. I do this every day because otherwise it isn’t enough of a habit, and it is sort of a planned two minute break from my work. I also write down the recent transactions and make a note of what they are for.
When I have an impulse to buy an item over $50 , I write it down on a notecard. I also write down why I think I need it, the reason I feel like it is difficult to resist the impulse, and the “cons” of buying it. I keep these cards in a folder. So far I don’t have any “rules” for how long I have to wait because that alone has kept me from buying a few things, even though I still feel the impulse.
I had set a goal for the end of January for savings, and every day I’m reminded of whether I’m making it when I check my balance and upcoming expenses. This weekend I will be setting a new goal.
I take money OUT of my checking account and keep the cash in a jar. (I’ll open a savings account soon). That money goes towards my savings goal and if I take any out, I am going to write down why. Spending cash is always harder than using a debit or credit card, so it’s easier for me to leave that money alone.
Impulsive Spending
Like a lot of people with ADD/ADHD, I have a problem with shopping. I spend way too much money and I have a very difficult time saving. I can be disciplined for quite a while, but once I diverge, it’s hard for me to stop. Like an alcoholic doesn’t want just one drink – she wants ten – I can’t just indulge in one luxury. I recently overspent my “available now” budget by quite a bit and even though my short-term goal is still attainable, I’ll have less spending money later.
First, it was a phone. I use a pre-paid cell phone because my credit score isn’t so hot and because I’m not on the phone a lot. I end up spending less per month than with a subscription. I hadn’t purchased minutes since last year and I needed to buy more so my account wouldn’t expire. I decided that it was time to see if there were any better plans out there. And of course better phones. I ended up with an expensive phone and a large enough deposit to keep my account from expiring for another year.
Then there was my organizing and cleaning spree. A spree which prompted the purchase of bins and folders and a three-shelf unit, all of which added up to more money than I should have been spending.
Not to mention the recent purchase of some new clothes because I was bored with what I have.
And yet, I am still not satisfied. I will never be satisfied. That is what I have trouble remembering. With many of my sudden, urgent purchases I am sure that if I just do this ONE thing, that will satisfy me for a while. Once I have my apartment organized I will finally be able to get on with the business of living my life. If I just get a couple outfits I’ll be happy with the variety in my wardrobe and not get so stressed over what to wear. It’s obvious as I type this that these purchases are about a deeper need, but I’m still not at the point where that matters to me. I’m not strong enough yet to do anything about it.
Tempus Fugit*
Time. Time is very strange for those of us with ADD/ADHD. Dr. Halloway writes about the now vs not-now way of thinking in Delivered from Distraction. And Jeff has an excellent blog post about time here. I particularly like this section:
It is this inability to understand time that makes the A.D.D.er see life as a series of “do-overs” where every life change is seen as an attempt to get it right this one time. The A.D.D.er has enormous difficulty understanding that life is a linear progression that starts with a birth and ends with a death. The A.D.D.er is trapped in an infinity of “nows” and can not, except with great difficulty and much artifice, comprehend the linear nature of life.
(footnote references removed. Go read the whole thing! Jeff has several other posts about time that are also worth reading.)
I have had to train myself to act as if I understand time. I’ve been working on this since before I knew I had ADD and before I knew why I had such trouble with time. Like many other aspects of living a self-sufficient, productive life, I’ve adjusted by imitating others and by trying to make sense of many failures along the way. Missed bill payments, late charges, disconnected utilities and cell phone, collection notices… I’ve dealt with everything short of reposession. I’ve missed deadlines at work, underestimate or overestimate how much time something will take, failed to return calls in a timely manner.
Jeff has also talked about the “Tyranny of Now,” the idea that ADDers experience life as a constant state of now-ness. Just existing right now, trying to fight the distractions, trying to make choices, trying to focus is so exhausting there isn’t anything left for the future. The double whammy is that while I live only in the now, I can’t enjoy the here-and-now. I’m not hyperactive – in fact I’m incredibly sedentary – but I never feel settled. There are always Things I Should Be Doing. These can be further broken down into Things I Know I Should Do, and Things I’m Sure I’m Forgetting To Do. And then there are the Things I Want To Do. Meanwhile, I’m beating myself up over Things I Should Have Done and thinking about all those other details of life, like what groceries I need, when I’m going to get the fabric to finish a quilt, and the fact that I just read half a page and don’t know what it said.
The tyranny of the now is not just that I have no concept of the passage of time, but also that while I am stuck in the now, handicapped in my ability to shape my future (and thus create a better “now” for my future self), the now really sucks.
*Often translated as “time flies,” but more accurately reads “Time flees,” a much more apt saying for the ADDer.
ADD and New Year’s Resolutions
New Year’s resolutions are tricky. I haven’t made any for a long time, feeling that I was just setting myself up for failure. I’ve had grand ideas and they’ve usually gone nowhere. After a while, I just gave up. My life felt completely out of my control. When I accomplished something I didn’t really give myself credit, but when I failed I blamed myself.
This year I’m not making New Year’s resolutions, but I am making goals for 2009, goals that I can easily break down into tasks. Most of my goals feel very achievable, but a couple are more daring.
1. Read at least 6 feminist books.
2. Start volunteering.
3. Submit an article to Bitch! magazine.
4. Pay bills on time each month.
5. Save one month’s salary. (Stretch: two months)
6. Pay down credit cards to 30% of total limit.
To help me break down the goals and keep track of my progress, I’ve started using Lifetick.com. In lifetick I can set each of these goals with a due date. Then I determine individual tasks with their own due dates. Submitting an article to Bitch! is my most ambitious goal in that it is something that creates the most self-doubt and self-imposed obstacles. It feels more achievable when I break it down into tasks: 1) sign up for a community card to the local university library; 2) work on a list of tv shows that I’m going to address; 3) research background information on my broader topic; etc.
Product of the Week
Product of the week for ADDers: Charging stations.
I don’t have one in particular to recommend, but for those of us who have trouble keeping track of all those cords and remembering to charge our phones, mp3 players, PDAs and other tech toys, a charging station is a great help.
For the creative ADDer, there is a great roundup on Apartment Therapy of DIY charging stations. I’m not up to most of them, but I could handle cutting a hole in a plastic bin!
I think it would be a great idea for controling all the cords that come with having a desktop computer and a few accessories, too. I have a kitten who gets behind my printer stand and steps on the button on my power cord. Stashing it in a plastic bin would save me a lot of frustration!
Can I have a do-over?
I am hooked on sites like Unclutterer and Apartment Therapy. They help motivate me to get organized in a way that also looks good. The tone can get a little self-righteous among the anti-clutterers, which should probably be completely ignored (or better yet, laughed at) by someone with ADD. I’m not anti-clutter. I used to feel more comfortable with a little lived-in clutter, but I’ve found that it just distracts me now. I feel lighter when my apartment is clean. I enjoy climbing into a made bed at night. I believe in living comfortably, and in not beating ourselves up when we can’t get everything done.
The inspiration decorating and organizing sites provide does have drawbacks. I often want to toss almost everything out and start over. If only I could do it all at once, I could create that special, unique look that suits me. Nevermind how much money I’ve spent on mismatched accessories or cheap it’ll-do-for-now pieces. Nevermind that I never have the patience to save up for an entire room’s worth of pieces.
I also live in an apartment, and not the kind of big city apartment they’re talking about on Apartment Therapy. I can’t do anything even semi-permanent and I don’t have a lot of room.
Finally, I live alone. I’m 5’2 and weigh 130 pounds. I can’t carry up and assemble anything but the most basic desk or short bookcase. I can’t remove big pieces I decide to change without investing more money in hiring someone.
Ultimately, I sometimes find myself frustrated that I can’t get that special look, can’t run out to the store and get what I’d like, and feel frustrated with what I have.
ADD even in the best of times
Do you ever have those days when no matter how good you’re feeling, things keep happening to remind you that ADD is lurking there, making sure nothing goes perfectly?
I had Thursday through Sunday off of work, and was feeling pretty good about it last week. We were going to be let out at 3 on Wednesday for the holiday. Then, unexpectedly, I needed to leave at 2 and take a coworker home because she hurt herself by slipping on the ice. I was getting my things together to leave when they called again and said security was ready to wheel her down RIGHT NOW. I scrambled to get everything I needed to take home. It wasn’t until the next day when I realized I’d forgotten my new accordion file that I’m trying to train myself to use regularly.
I had a productive weekend. I spent time with family without feeling too anxious to go home. I did a lot of cleaning and have a very pleasant, organized apartment to go home to now. I’m working on a couple things that would have been compltely overwhelming before I started treatment. So I was feeling pretty good.
Then I couldn’t find my iPod this morning before work. I figured I had left it at work along with who knows what else. Then when I was walking in to work from the parking lot I realized I hadn’t even looked for my security badge, which I hadn’t been able to find on the previous Wednesday.
In my office, I found the accordian file, but no iPod. Now my day has barely started and all i want to do is tear apart my office and go home and search some more for the iPod. I’m going to be distracted all day, worried that someone took it from my office or I somehow lost it. Now it occurs to me I might have put it away and it’s in a new place I decided to keep it.
No matter how together I feel, there are always stupid things like this that happen that make me feel like I will never get it together. And I probably won’t. Did I mention I also left my planner at home? Because it was put *away*, even if away was in plain sight.
Oh, and my appointment with my therapist was cancelled for the second time and I haven’t been to see her in a month and a half. I’m relieved that I get to go right home (and tear apart my nicely organized apartment to look for my iPod), but I’m frustrated that my treatment is not progressing.
An Unfiltered Mind 